Fight for your right, to Party!.... Or Sleep.

For the last few weeks, my Ex1 has been crashing on my couch while his new place finishes a re-do.  It is a long story, but his girlfriend broke it off with him and he didn't have anywhere else to stay really. Since we make better friends than married couple, I offered my couch until his move in day.  His ex-girlfriend also works with me. So when all of the boo-hooing was going on I listened. Now mind you, the whole time I am hearing the stories from her, I am having my own conversation in my head. It pretty much was like this:

"Preaching to the choir woman."
"I told you so."
"Been there, done that, gave the shirt away during the divorce out of spite."

BUT...I did keep those thoughts to myself.
Mostly.
Okay, maybe I said them out loud but I don't think she really heard me anyway.

Now last night, I get off work and come home to find he is having a little BBQ and sharing some beers with his Mother for her birthday. This is fine. She is like a second mom to me. Everything was going really good until the booze hit Ex1 and obviously decided to overtake his brain and mouth. He starts saying that "I need to quit acting like an old lady who needs to live in a nursing home. Stop acting like you are happy with being single and adopting cats like a crazy cat lady."

Let me clear my throat!
(in the famous voice of the great Will Smith, aka. The Fresh Prince of Bel Air)

One, you lost all rights to telling me how to live my life when we signed on that dotted line in divorce court.

Two, if I want to adopt 50-100 cats, then so be it. While I am not a huge lover of animals, my children are and at least I know why I am getting the cold shoulder from a cat. They are cats, and acting stand offish is what they do.

Three, after 2 divorces I have taken the time to just accept being single. Newsflash, I actually like being single. I get to eat when I want, what I want. If I want to go to bed at 7 pm or 1 am, it is my choice and I don't have to explain why. If I want to binge on Netflix for my entire 4 days off of work, I can. If I want to look at hot guys (or even girls), I can without any guilt.

Just because I enjoy being single and I don't know, not drinking until I am drunk as a skunk doesn't make me boring.  I spend time with my kids. I play some computer games. I have friends I go places with. I don't need to drink every night. I don't need to be doing something all the time. Am I bitter towards relationships and men? Well I sure as hell am not ever getting married again, but I am in no hurry to find a man either. I don't need the hassle.

So next time a man tries to tell me how to live my life, you better hope you really are ten foot tall and bullet proof because I am a good shot at five foot seven.

Dear Dame..(1)

Dear Dame.. is a meme that will be featured anytime on the blog. Got a question you need an answer too? Don't mind a sarcastic answer at times? Then fill out this nifty form HERE and your question will be answered by The Dame. 

Dear Dame -- I was reading your about me page and noticed that you have been divorced. I am currently going through a divorce myself and I was wondering if you can give me some advice on moving on. He has hurt me pretty bad and it seems like all I want to do is lay in bed and cry. He has moved on with the woman he left me for and it hurts to see them together knowing it is suppose to be me. How do you get over loving somebody you were suppose to live your life with? --- anon

Dear Anon,

First of all, wipe those tears off your face and pull up those big girl panties. If he left you high and dry, then that douchebag doesn't deserve those tears. Now I don't know the full extent on how you have ended up in the crap-filled land of divorcehood, but I can tell you that it does get better. I could go on and on with inspirational words and make this a deep and enlightening post. I will grant you one piece of that inspirational crapola...

Seems nicely put but I like the following fairy tale piece of advice even better..

Even better still..

All I can say is that one day you will wake up in the morning and realize that he wasn't worth the heartbreak. You will smile again and may even fall in love again. --- The Dame

The 5 Stages of Back to School

School has been in session here for a few weeks now. Whenever this time of year rolls around, you can see me dancing through the isles at the stores with joy and anticipation. Look at all those backpacks! 5 notebooks for only $1! Glue, pens, pencils, pencil holders, binders, crayons....the list is overwhelming but euphoric for a parent. While we complain about the prices, we secretly do the math in our head of cost versus freedom during daylight hours. While we bring in the fingers and toes to finish counting, the kids have already figured out they have two more weeks to drive us insane and bring their "A" game of insanity inducing behavior.

Almost everyone had heard the term of 5 Stages of Grief.  Those 5 stages are:

DENIAL

ANGER

BARGAINING

DEPRESSION

ACCEPTANCE

With those five steps in mind, I realized that parents and children go through the same stages for back to school -- starting from the first day of summer, all the way up until the first day of school.

DENIAL

Parent: That last bell of the year rings and it sounds like a death toll. No more Netflix binges. No more sneaking to the store to shop and buy what you actually came in for. No more relaxing days spent reading in a library or on your favorite chair at home. You cry and refuse to believe this day has come. You convince yourself that you won't pick them up and maybe they will forget it was the last day of school. Maybe the principal is announcing at that moment that it is all a joke and she loves them too much to let them go for those few months.

Child:  You are forced to go to the department store with your parents when you could be at home playing your Xbox, PS4 or whatever game system your mom bought to keep you busy for months. When you arrive at the destination, you notice the small smile on your parents face. When you get inside, the first thing you see are rows of backpacks and bins of notebooks. It was a trick. There is no new game to go buy, just school supplies. The horror! It can't be back to school time! It can't be true!

ANGER

Parent: How dare that school deny my child year round school or summer school. Those teachers need a break?! Well this parent wants a longer break! I am going to march myself into that first PTO school board meeting and demand school 7 days a week with no summer vacation of fun!

Child: I hate school. I am going to get off at the wrong bus stop and go to the local video game arcade. How dare you send me to that devilish school! You are ruining my life of fun and freedom! This is America! We are suppose to be free!

BARGAINING

Parent: Look, I will give up the daily ice cream treat for myself in the afternoon if you will just keep them for a few hours each day of summer. Heck, I will buy the entire school staff ice cream each week just to keep the kids 3 out of 5 of those weekdays. I can compromise like an adult.

Child: Mom, just home school me. Please! I promise to do all my school work before playing the video games. School is too hard. You teach me things so much better than they do. I want to be with you because I love you. Don't you love me mom? Prove to me that you love me and let me stay home instead of school!

DEPRESSION

Parent: You spend the summer refusing to go out because you haven't had time to do laundry and you are stuck in sweats. You have resorted to throwing fruit snacks at the children for lunch because -- darn those kids -- they expect you to cook for them constantly. You have decided that ponytails are the new hair style and you find yourself crying in the bathtub several times a day missing the feel of bubbles and wine at noon.

Child: The last day of summer they mope around the house in black clothes.  The wind up the video game cords and neatly stack them on the shelves. Goodbye sweet Mario Kart. Until we meet again Justice League. They pick at their food and give you those child-like teary-eyed looks as they head to their rooms to pick out first day of school clothes. A sad day for children everywhere.

ACCEPTANCE

Parent: Fine. They can be here for weeks. I will give up everything I have enjoyed and we will make a summer of joyful memories. Granted, it will be small moments of watching them fight over what games to play, running toes over with bikes, picking up after them and maybe a day trip to the beach or something like that.  The whole time I will try and keep a smile on my face while they enjoy the summer. Its only a few weeks right? We can do this.

Child: They get up on the first day of school checking their backpack five times. They hurry and eat their breakfast so they can hurry and be the first one on the basketball court before first bell. Another year of schoolwork, but another year of driving mom and dad crazy with math homework none of us understand.